May 17, 2011 10 Comments
For some reason people who don’t know me very well think that I’m an organized person both in thought and in action. My apartment must be clean and tidy. My filing cabinets must be filled with well labeled folders whose contents are accessible within mere seconds should I need them. Yet what these people see is only the outer manifestation of an inner chaos. But how can chaos give way to the appearance of organization? Let me explain.
I am a pack rat in the truest sense. I collect words. I collect thoughts. I collect feelings and memories. I discard nothing, at least not with intent. On my computer I have every document I’ve ever saved since I was in 5th grade. My physical surroundings are no different. Throughout my bedroom books lie in thick disorganized stacks. Others rest neatly on shelves, yet without any discernible system of classification by author or discipline.
My outer and inner worlds are essentially the same. In my mind conflicting ideas float around and clash continually. No one idea is able to claim any permanent victory over the rest. These ideas play off of each other and merge and recombine like DNA molecules that lack an overall blueprint, so that the general appearance is of chaos and confusion. Out of this disordered morass of contradictory and competing thoughts and beliefs a few particles of clarity percolate to the surface. It’s as if through incessant recombination some ideas were able to glom onto others that are compatible, thereby forming the beginnings of a system of thought that can be applied to the outside world. Yet most of what is in my head remains mere noise that threatens to destroy the conceptual edifices that have taken so long to erect.
Example: for much of my childhood I grappled with the task of organizing and defining my personal philosophical system. I had a vague sense of direction throughout, but I lacked a complete system that I could articulate and formalize. All I had were a lot of questions, many more possible answers, and an ineffable feeling about the world and my place in it that I couldn’t convey to others. It wasn’t until high school that my thoughts coalesced so that I could work out an organized framework that I might convey to the outside world. This framework that I had worked so hard (or waited so long—I don’t know if it’s accurate to call the process “work”) to form was far from solidified. It would undergo continued modification and retooling, but the core of my outlook on the world was there, and finally I understood it.
How I came to my philosophical outlook is an extreme case, but a similar process is in motion on a smaller scale with nearly every conclusion or claim that I make. When I say that a mountain is beautiful, I say so not only out of a spontaneous sense of awe that is unavoidable when I’m in the presence of something so immense. I apply a notion of beauty that I have formed over twenty-seven years. It is a notion that has been informed by science, literature, philosophy, the arts, pop culture, experiences with friends and family and strangers. Everything I’ve come into contact with, whether frivolous or serious, has played a part in my definition of beauty.
Yes, the mountain is beautiful because it is enormous and is covered with bright white snow and threatens to tear the sky in two with its jagged ridges. But more than anything it is beautiful because it is a visible record of the immense past. It speaks of earthquakes and uplifting events, ice ages, and rivers and streams cutting through the land to form deep canyons. It is a record of extinction events and the rise of new species to fill niches that come and go as the mountain changes in character. Particles of the mountain exist in all of the oceans of the world and in fertile valleys that yield crops which are essential to our survival. The mountain represents ubiquity and interconnectedness. Such beauty exists in all things, but not always so immediately as in a majestic mountain.
Such is my thought process for a lot of things, not just beauty, which I grant is actually quite a heavy philosophical theme. What I’m trying to convey is that even simple decisions like how to engage in small talk can be just as involved as determining what constitutes beauty. I’m selectively methodical and meticulous, not because I’m a master of organization, but because it’s all I can do to overcome my intrinsic sense of confusion.